Coming Together and Falling Apart – Not a Problem
by Gregg Krech
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” — Pema Chodron
If you are a jazz musician or a swing dancer, rhythm is important. Nature’s rhythms are abundant: the tides, the moon, the seasons, the sun, the ocean waves, the blossoms that bloom and wither. The organ within our bodies that keeps blood flowing and keeps us alive – the heart – has a rhythm. There is a rhythm that goes with sleep and consciousness. The universe is filled with rhythm. We see it. We feel it. Sometimes we can touch it (putting our hand on a baby’s chest and noticing its breath).
But Pema Chodron’s quote suggests that there is a rhythm to our entire life. Many of us are engaged in a quest of trying to make our life come together. We try to organize our “stuff”, we try to organize our schedule. We clean, we paint, we exercise our bodies, we get our hair cut. But then things fall apart. In the moment when that happens, we are often surprised and usually disappointed. Sometimes, upset. Yet, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that eventually a bicycle will get a flat tire, your car will need new brakes, your toaster will stop toasting and your piano will go out of tune. The process of things falling apart is natural. It’s happening every day as we try to pull our lives together.
We tend to notice the “falling aparts” more easily than the “coming togethers.” That’s just the way our attention works. When a lot of things are falling apart at the same time, I think it is valuable to work with our attention and notice the things that are also coming together. The coming-togethers are just as real as the falling-aparts.
And often these two processes are happening at the same time. That’s at least part of the explanation of why our lives seem so chaotic. It’s a messy process. You can’t organize your life like you organize the seasoning in your cupboard. Imagine if every time you opened the cupboard you found all the seasonings living in anarchy: some upside down, others laying on their sides. Some of your favorite seasonings have vanished and, others, have just appeared out of nowhere. “This is crazy,” you think. Yes it is. Life is crazy. Technology is crazy. The weather is crazy. Sometimes, seasoning is crazy (particularly crushed red pepper).
When things fall apart, we tend to label those things as “problems.” That seems natural enough, but Life doesn’t really consider these things problems. Life just considers the falling-aparts as life, like ocean tides. The tides are just part of life’s rhythm. If you are walking on the beach and the tide is coming in, you probably don’t see that as a problem. If you’re laying on your blanket on the beach and the tide comes in, you may have to move your blanket back six feet so you don’t get wet. That’s not really a problem, just a bit of an inconvenience.
When I was backpacking on a deserted beach in New Zealand many years ago the tide came in and left me stranded on a section of the beach with no clear way to go forward or backward. For me, I labeled that as a problem. But for life that wasn’t a problem. It was just the natural rhythm of the tides doing what they do. Fortunately, for me, part of that rhythm involves the tide going out. And so, after a night on the beach, I was able to continue my hike up the trail.
When we label something as a “problem” that’s not an objective description of what’s happening. It’s a subjective description of our own perspective of what’s happening. It usually means that life isn’t meeting our expectations. Actually . . . . life isn’t supposed to meet our expectations.
Linda usually does her work in the library. That room has a window overlooking our outside deck where the birdfeeder offers snacks to our community of birds. One of those birds is a male Cardinal. When he looks at the window he apparently sees another male Cardinal. He doesn’t like that. It’s a problem for him. So he attacks the other Cardinal to chase him out of his territory. When he does that, he crashes into the window. Of course, he’s just seeing his reflection. He thinks there’s a problem, but really there is no problem. His mind is creating his problem. But he is persistent in protecting himself and his territory. Last night he was crashing into the window even as it was getting dark and the other birds were back in their nests. This morning he was back at dawn for the morning shift — going after his reflection again. He is convinced there is a problem that needs to be solved.
Life is changing all the time. Sometimes it doesn’t meet our expectations or preferences. We think there’s a problem. Sometimes we anticipate that life will unfold in ways that will be unpleasant or dangerous. So we think the future, that hasn’t arrived, will be a problem. Then we feel anxious or afraid. We don’t like those feelings, so now our feelings are also a problem.
It might be better if we thought of such changes as “situations”. Here’s the situation. What needs to be done? It’s raining. I’ll open my umbrella. The washing machine isn’t working. I’ll call a repair person. You’re at the airport. Your flight is cancelled. You call or go to customer service and get booked on a different flight.
Life unfolds and we are always deciding what to accept and how to respond. This seems very natural. What is the difference between responding to situations and solving ongoing problems?
The drama.
Tags: Acceptance Action Attention Mental Wellness Taking Action
