Honoring Your Mother After She Has Died

For many years I conducted Naikan Retreats, in which a person spends a week reflecting on his or her entire life.  Participants always begin reflecting on what they received from their mother from birth until the present day. But in many cases, the person’s mother has already died. On Mother’s day, how do we create a celebration for our mother when she is no longer alive? Here are five possible ideas:

1. Spend time reflecting on your mother using Naikan’s three questions.
a. What did I receive from my mother?
b. What did I give to my mother?
c. What troubles and difficulties did I cause my mother?

2. Plant a tree or perennial in your mother’s name, that will live on in her honor. 
Some ToDo members have planted trees on our property, in honor of their mother, that burst into beautiful blossoms each spring.

3. Write your mother a thank you letter
Even though you mother may not be alive, you can still write her a thank you letter. Try to be specific and thank her for specific efforts she made, rather than for generalities like cooking, housekeeping and care. What did she actually do to show you she loved you?  What snapshots of your life together can you remember?  You may wish to have a quiet ceremony at her grave or in your home to read your letter to her.

4. Tell stories about your mom
A wonderful way to keep your mom’s memory alive is to tell stories about her. Share them with your grandchildren, spouse, children or close friends. Most of us can easily identify our mom’s shortcomings, but this is a great opportunity to tell stories that celebrate her life.

5. Care for Something Your Mom Cared About
Put some energy into taking care of something your mother cared about when she was alive. Perhaps she was an animal lover and you could make a donation in her name to the local animal shelter.  Or maybe you could reach out to a struggling sibling, or invite her sister to your home.  You can express your love for her by offering love to what she appreciated or cared about.

Celebrating our mother’s memory is for our benefit, as much as it is for hers. Remembering the ways we were cared for and loved at a time when we could do little for ourselves reminds us that our birth was a gift, and we live, thanks to the compassion and love of a multitude of people and objects. Our mother was one manifestation of that love. By our standards, we may see her love as imperfect, but where would we be today without her?

Gregg Krech has been practicing and teaching Japanese Psychology for over 30 years.  He is the author of five books, including the Amazon best-seller, The Art of Taking Action, and Naikan: Gratitude, Grave & the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection.  He will be conducting the Residential Certification Program in Japanese Psychology in Vermont, beginning on Sept. 22, 2024.